


Privy Reading

by Regret_Pile



Series: Bowels of Thedas [5]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Constipation, F/F, Farting, Friends to Lovers, Scat, Smutty Literature
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-21
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-06-09 14:02:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6910228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Regret_Pile/pseuds/Regret_Pile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Begins before the events of DA:I.  Leliana knows Cassandra has difficulty making soil, and thinks she knows just the distraction for long privy visits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The wiki and the games themselves are a little fuzzy on the timeline re: Cassandra and Leliana working together, so this was kinda tough to set up.
> 
> Glad to be back weirding up the DA fandom tag, though!

Cassandra decided to give up. A few bean-sized pieces of fecal matter lay in the bottom of the chamber pot, but that was all. Her abdomen felt heavy and stretched, and the wind she'd been passing stank of blocked-up shit. Four days without a bowel movement wasn't the worst she'd experienced, but it wasn't pleasant.

She'd made herself late for her rendezvous with Leliana, to discuss the growing tensions in Kirkwall. Not that the Left Hand wasn't used to this. Cassandra's sluggish gut was a frequent inconvenience for them both.  Rather than meet anywhere conspicuous, Leliana insisted on one of her 'hidden places'--the back room of a Val Royeaux shoe shop. Apparently she had an 'understanding' with the owner.

"Hello, Cassandra."

"I'm...sorry I took so long."

"It's all right. I hope you were at least able to produce something." Cassandra was never going to be entirely used to Leliana's frankness regarding her issues. Leliana had made oblique references to issues of her own, but on the few times they shared a privy, all seemed entirely well with her.

Cassandra shook her head.

"Ah well. Down to business."

Leliana went over her experiences in Kirkwall.  Long story short, it seemed like the place was an utter pit, but not one that its Grand Cleric was willing to abandon.

Leliana reached into her bag. "I brought you something, though. It might make things easier in the privy."

Cassandra had tried most every herb and tincture intended to stimulate the bowels. The ones that worked worked entirely too well, and the rest just made her flatulent and uncomfortable.

"The last time you said that, I nearly shat my pants during an interrogation."

"No, no. It's not that. It's reading. A serialized novel. I met a writer there. I know you like love stories."

This was a fact.  'Swords and Shields' seemed a bit of a generic title, but Leliana was in the business of knowing about people, so no doubt she knew what Cassandra liked to read.  She'd give it a try.

*****

Later that evenng, Cassandra finally felt the pressure in her back passage that suggested she might be able to manage a proper evacuation.  She picked up the book, and seated herself comfortably on a hollow-bottomed stool (a necessity, with the length of her sessions over the pot), and placed her chamber pot beneath.  She urinated briefly, a thunderous fart burst out of her, then nothing.

She strained for a brief time, then opened the book.  A few pages in, she felt some motion.  A wide log crowned, stretching her anus painfully.  A hard chunk fell off as it inched out of her, but the bulk of the shit was locked in place, it seemed.  The reading was a thankful distraction.  The writing was lightweight enough that she didn't have to concentrate too hard.  And she liked this guard captain.  Not a lot of plot had happened yet; this Tethras character was clearly being paid by the word.  She bore down, and the hard shit slowly but surely forced its way through her aching hole.  She set the book down, and took deep breaths.  The little knobbles on her dry turd felt like spikes.  She pressed down on her abdomen--not that it helped, but it made her feel like she was doing something.  Finally, the worst was over, as the smoother, softer part of the massive log slid out of her, and the whole thing landed with an audible thump in the chamber pot.  She groaned.  No sooner had she caught her breath, than another, blessedly softer shit slithered its way out of her.  The stink in the room nearly had a texture.

She sat for a while longer.  She could never be sure if she didn't have more in her.  Finally, she stood up and looked at what she had done.  The first turd was about a foot long, and as wide around as her wrist at the thickest point.  The second was skinnier and lighter in color, but nearly as long as the first.  She wiped.  Her shit was so dry it left almost no mark on the rag.  She set the book aside--which she'd barely gotten to start.  She'd need it for the next ordeal.

*****

"So how do you like it?" asked Leliana, the next time they managed to have some rest time together.

"It is...so far it certainly is a book."

"That's all?"  Leliana seemed oddly eager.

"My last trip to the privy did not let me divide my attention much."

"Oh, so you managed to shit!?"

"Not so loud!"

"I bet it was a big one," said Leliana, considerably more softly.

"This is almost prurient, Leliana."

"So was it?"

"Huge, if you must know.  Very painful."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

Cassandra dearly wanted to change the subject.  "So you've read it?"

"It gets good."  Something about the way Leliana said the last word struck Cassandra as fraught with meaning she didn't entirely grasp, or necessarily want to grasp.

*****

A day more of unproductive privy trips, and she reached the end of the first chapter.  It had ended on a rather vivid sexual fantasy the guard captain had about a templar she'd just met.

That night she took the book out by candlelight, and masturbated furiously to the scene.  As the glow of her orgasm faded, she realized that Leliana knew exactly what sort of a book this was.  They'd have to talk about that.


	2. Chapter 2

"Leliana?"

"Yes?"

The two were up late poring over papers.  They technically didn't need to be working together, but it was nice for the Left Hand to know what the Right Hand was doing.  Besides, they liked each other.  Leliana was dressed in a plain robe, and decidedly un-plain slippers, while Cassandra was in a baggy shirt and soft breeches.  They'd even set up two cots on the floor.  It was almost like a dormitory, or how Cassandra imagined a dormitory.

"Have you read this Tethras' novel?"

"Only the first couple chapters.  Why?"

Cassandra arched an eyebrow.  "I think you know why."  She lowered her voice.  "I just finished reading the first sex scene.  The first actual sex scene, that is."  She was, she had to admit, still a bit excited.

"Oh, the one with all the biting!"

There was a lot of biting.  "It's...it's very good, honestly.  But it's a strange present."

"Well, I know it's been a long time since you've been with a man.  And the plot really is quite worthwhile.  By the way, were you able to...you know?"

This again.  "Some."  She'd had to finger her asshole to get started at all, and she still felt full even after dropping a few rocky turds.  

"Poor dear."

"It's just something I live with, Leliana."  A silent, reeking fart eased out of her.

She passed many more over the next couple hours.  Leliana didn't say anything.  She'd expressed concerns about Cassandra's wind before, but the message had finally gotten through that the seeker found the whole issue very embarrassing. Every once in a while, though, when the two were alone.  Leliana would fart shamelessly.  There were nights when it seemed the spy couldn't stop.

Finally, she got up and tried to shit again.  She sat and relaxed.  It seemed they were setting up a love triangle in the novel.  The protagonist's current man was probably not going to end up the winner.  Hopefully this wouldn't be drawn out over the length of the book.  Speaking of things that tended to take too long, Cassandra was actually shitting pretty well this time.  The first log eased out at a reasonably quick pace, and didn't particularly strain her hole.  She farted some more--Maker, this was a lot of wind--and pushed out a long snake of some of the softest shit she'd passed in month.  She wasn't sure what she'd eaten to earn this, but she was glad.

"That was quick," said Leliana, when Cassandra returned.

"I got lucky."

"So where are you in the book?"

"She's working alongside the templar--"

"Alton."

"Yes.  She's working alongside Alton, and they keep bickering.  It's quite charming."

"We used to bicker."

"You used to be wrong about everything."

"I suppose that's why we don't work together so directly anymore."

Cassandra half-smiled.

"So," said Leliana, "About Lyssa."

"The, er, the inkeeper?"

"Do you spot a bit of sexual tension between her and our heroine?"

"I wouldn't get your hopes up."

"No, I suppose they'll just pair her off with one of the men.  But I'm rooting for Lyssa."

Cassandra smiled.  "I do love your optimism."

*****

They ended up sleeping on the cots, and dawn came not long after they'd bedded down.

Cassandra missed coffee.  Coffee beans were native to Nevarra, but a rare commodity here in Orlais.  It was delicious, it woke her up, and it helped her shit.  As it was, she'd be groggy till noon, if not past then.  She yawned.

Leliana's robe had ridden well up in her sleep, revealing most of her thighs.  The sheer paleness of her always surprised Cassandra.  She had nice legs, too, Cassandra idly thought.  It was a surprising thought.  Cassandra more or less slept with men, and Leliana was, well, her colleague.

Leliana stirred, and opened her eyes.  "Well," she said, "It seems I'm giving you quite the show."

Cassandra flushed.

"Next time," said Leliana, "I'll wear nicer smallclothes."

Leliana made these sorts of jokes all the time, or at least whenever no one who might disapprove was present.  Cassandra still wasn't sure what was flirtation and what was Leliana being Leliana.

She stood up, and Cassandra actually felt a little disappointment in seeing her legs covered again.

"So," she said, "Breakfast, then get dressed, or the other way around?"

"I'm starving," said Cassandra.  What she meant was 'I want to spend more time with you.'  

To say this was unexpected was to state the obvious.

*****

They raided the kitchens.  There were fresh plums.  Cassandra tossed one to Leliana and kept two for herself--her bowels would thank her, or at least punish her less.

Leliana always ate humbly.  Today was the plum, some brown bread with no butter--she never buttered her bread--and a small amount of cold cabbage soup from the night before.

Cassandra put together something more substantial--eggs on top of porridge, and honey on her bread.  She was a big eater--with all the fighting she was asked to do, she had to be.  It meant, of course, that she could count on shits that were large as well as hard, even if she managed to go two or three days in a row.

Leliana kicked Cassandra under the table, to get her attention.  "I don't mean to put you off your food," she said, "But I'm about to let out a fart."

And let one out she did.  It was long and a little wet-sounding, and almost musical in the way it changed pitch.

"That cabbage soup works quickly." said Cassandra.  She wasn't sure why she'd said it.  She didn't make those sorts of jokes.  That was something Leliana did.

Leliana's face lit up when she laughed.  It was a wonderful sound to hear, Cassandra realized.

They ate, and chatted, and Cassandra looked at her friend smile and felt good about it in a way she hadn't before.

When they parted, and Leliana gave Cassandra the customary kiss on each cheek, Cassandra noticed that her lips actually touched skin.  It occurred to her that Leliana never gave the pantomime kisses that other observers of the practice gave.  How had she not noticed this before?

Cassandra took a third plum, just in case, and watched Leliana walk away until she was out of sight.


	3. Chapter 3

That night, Cassandra's mind was on those kisses.  Those little formal nothing-kisses.  She thought of the curl at the edges of her lips, how it looked like a smirk even when her expression was blank.

Her hands idly ventured beneath the waist of her loose sleeping breeches.  She ran a finger along the edge of her labia, barely realizing that she was doing it.

An image formed in her mind of Leliana's thin fingers.  She wondered how they would feel inside her.

She snuck one of her fingers into herself, rolled it around lazily.

Leliana's thighs had looked so soft.

She penetrated herself with a second finger, and began to masturbate properly.  She rubbed circles on her clit with her other hand.

She wondered what Leliana's skin tasted like, what her cunt tasted like.  She imagined the spy biting like in the scene from the book, leaving marks on her shoulder, on her arms, on her breasts.

She came loudly, as she always did.

This wasn't going to be a problem, she thought.  Everyone fantasizes.  She wouldn't have to jeopardize her professional and personal relationship with Leliana.  She could keep this to herself.  A secret kept between her mind, her hands, and her cunt.

It would be easy.

*****  
Leliana was away for a few days, but when she returned, they took a walk through the Chantry gardens. Leliana knew her plants very well. Every spy, she said, needs to know potions and poisons. A tincture of this could ward against fire, mash that with a mortar and pestle and put it on your arrows to paralyze a man.

Leliana's stomach growled. It wasn't a hunger growl, it was straight from the bowels. "Pardon me! I had a lunch with a few very confidential people earlier today, and I think my stomach's losing the battle."

"What did you eat?" Cassandra didn't inquire about these matters, but, well, Leliana had laughed so hard at her fart joke a few mornings ago.

"Oh, there were chives and raw garlic involved." Cassandra noticed the presence of a strong, unhealthy smelling fart in the air. She could see a little smirk on Leliana's face.

Cassandra made an exaggerated show of hating the smell. Even though Leliana smiled, this felt forced. She should let it rest. She was trying to be a different person...for what? She wasn't going to _do_ anything with Leliana.

Another groan sounded from Leliana's gut.  She gripped Cassandra's arm and walked briskly in the direction of the privies.

The garden privies were a lesson in humility.  They had two seats, with a divider that ended just below one's shoulder, allowing the other person to see your face.  Everyone shits.  We are all mortal.  It was poetic until Cassandra was actually straining and grunting next to some subordinate or some handsome man.

Cassandra wasn't moving her bowels anytime soon, but she skinned down her breeches and sat.  It would look less like she just wanted to sit with Leliana if the Left Hand thought she was also in need of easement.

Leliana was farting and spewing mushy shit even before she'd sat down.  Cassandra thought she might have missed the hole in the seat for a bit of that expulsion.  The spy was bent forward and grimacing.  The farts and wet smack of shit on ground did not let up, even for a second.

Cassandra was a bit transfixed.  Even being familiar with Leliana's farts, this didn't fit her impression of the spy.  She supposed everyone--but her, of course--suffered from looseness every once in a while, even if they didn't talk about it.

Leliana was granted a brief reprieve.  "Do you need to shit too?" she asked.

"I always _need_ to shit," said Cassandra, "But, no, I can't right now."

Leliana's giggle was cut off by another fart, followed by more splatters.  Leliana's wind was so strong-smelling that the stink of shit was barely noticeable.

"Well," said Leliana, "You're getting quite a show."

"Are you...well?"

"Oh, this is no cause for worry."  A watery fart sounded, and Leliana groaned.  "You can get up any time, I'll be here a while yet."  She laughed a little.  "That's supposed to be your line, yes?"

Leliana wasn't wrong.  On the occasions they shared a privy, Leliana would piss or shit quickly, and leave Cassandra to her constipation.

"I..."

"Go, go.  We can talk in my room tonight.  I've got my copy of "Swords and Shields" to keep me company."

Cassandra looked over at her one last time.  She looked a little paler than usual.

"If you don't stand up and go about your day, I shall have to spoil the book for you," said Leliana.

Cassandra pulled up her breeches as her friend continued to spew wet shit.  She seemed to be taking it well, at least.


	4. Chapter 4

Cassandra was almost half an hour late meeting Leliana. She'd been struggling to pass something that looked like a dark brown yam.  Her asshole still hurt.

Leliana answered the door in what would be considered by most people a state of undress.  She was barefoot in a slip that went maybe a third of the way down her thighs.  Cassandra noticed that her nipples were hard, poking out underneath the thin fabric.

"I've finished chapter four," said Cassandra, if only because she didn't know what else to say.

"Well come in and we'll talk about it!"

They were of two minds about the obvious red-herring lover.  Cassandra thought Tethras had rather assassinated his character in order to write him out.  Leliana said she know a thousand men like that, and that anyway, our heroine would clearly be best off with Lyssa the inkeeper.

Cassandra had decided to ask.  "What, er, was that?  Back at the gardens?  You were having quite a looseness."

Leliana smirked, "Don't you know about my reputation as a loose woman?"  She lay back on her bed.

Cassandra was sat at the foot, noticing very clearly the way Leliana's slip lifted just a little higher when she raised her arms, the way her breasts pulled back, how she was curling her toes.

"Well, I do have a reputation as a tight-arse," said Cassanrda

"It's something left over from my past," said Leliana, "During the Blight, I fought with the hero of Ferelden.  And that necessitated that I drink quite a few healing potions to stay alive.  Elfroot, even extracted like that...does things to me."

"I assume these things involve your bowels?"

"I had terrible wind and fairly violent shits for most of that time," she said matter-of-factly. Then she farted.  "Oh dear, I don't think my lunch is done with me yet."

Cassandra wondered if there would be another performance like the one in the gardens.

"That sounds..."

"Miserable, yes?  I got used to it for a time, but that's why I don't go out and fight anymore."  She farted again.  The smell was genuinely offensive to Cassandra, which, given the seeker's own farts, was hard to do.  "Unfortunately, the damage seems to have been done, as you can see.  My bowels no longer want to be my friend."  She smiled as she said this.  "You've noticed how plainly I eat, yes?"

Cassandra had.

"Well, if I eat anything at all interesting in more than very small amounts..."  She made a protracted farting sound with her tongue.

Cassandra arched an eyebrow.

"We all have scars from the blight.  Mine are here." She waved her hand over her abdomen.  "It's not so bad, really."

Cassandra's nose begged to differ.

"I suppose this is why you inquire as to my digestion so frequently?"

Leliana passed two low farts in quick succession.  "I like talking about this sort of thing.  That's all.  It's interesting."

"Well, it should interest you to know that I practically split myself in half trying to push out something that smelled so strong I nearly gagged, right before I came here."  Cassandra had no desire to share this, but she supposed it would make Leliana smile.

"Oh dear.  I'd imagine you were quite the sight, all red and scrunched in the face."

"You've seen me before."  Cassandra was not a dignified shitter.  When she went to work moving her bowels, she grunted, grimaced, pushed the walls of the privy, and generally made a show of herself.

Leliana giggled.

"So," said Cassandra, "Lyssa the innkeeper?"

Leliana smiled.  "Of course!  Their banter is so flirty, and Guard-Captain Sonia's clearly ogling her.  I mean, just listen to this: 'The inkeeper had small, high breasts and brown hair that fell in front of her face.  Her smile was earnest and warm, and her eyes had a wicked gleam.'  She's noticing her eyes, her smile, her breasts, all of that!  I don't take note of just anyone's breasts, Cassandra."

"It's written by a man.  He probably doesn't even realize how it comes off."

"No, but it does come off that way."

"It does, true."  It occurred to her that neither she nor Leliana had a proper reason for the two to be meeting in Leliana's bedroom at night.  "Why did you ask me to come up here?" asked Cassandra.

"Sorry?"

"You said we'd talk later, in your room.  When you, were, er..."

"Spewing muck, I think, would be the most accurate description."

"Yes, that."

"Oh, I don't know.  Can't we just talk?"

Cassandra supposed they could.

Leliana tilted her hips to the right and let out a long, bubbly fart.  "Oh dear," she said.

"Oh?"

"I soiled myself a bit, just then.  It happens."

 "If you want to go change, I can leave."

"Nonsense.  I'll just stain those smallclothes too, before much longer."  Her stomach groaned angrily.  "I've been like this all day.  I think I'm going to have to go again."

"I'll give you some privacy," said Cassandra, heading for the door.

"Don't be silly.  We can talk.  I'll want the company."  Leliana stepped behind a screen in the corner.  Within thirty seconds, the splattering of diarrhea on metal rang out loud and clear.  "If I were to be alone every time I needed to do one of these, my time with the hero of Ferelden would have been terribly dull."

"Is this a particularly bad one?"

"Well, it's not a _good_ one."  There was a smile in Leliana's voice, alongside the strain.  A long, semiliquid fart sounded.  "I don't think it's going to last terribly long, if that's what you mean."

Cassandra was glad of that.  Leliana's farts had stunk, but this was far beyond that.  The poor girl's insides smelled like death.

A series of farts and splatters, punctuated with gasps and sighs, sounded over the next minute or two.  Those vocalizations made Cassandra wonder what the Left Hand sounded like during sex.  She tried to put it out of her mind.

One last fart, nearly fifteen seconds, sounded.  Then Leliana emerged from behind the screen, and landed heavily on the bed.

Cassandra touched her forehead.  "You're sweating."

"I suppose I am."

Leliana sat up.  The two looked in one another's eyes.  Then Cassandra kissed Leliana.

She, or Cassandra, pulled away.  Cassandra couldn't tell which of them had done so, honestly.  Cassandra's face was hot and flushed.  "I'm sorry.  I'll go."

Leliana wrapped an arm around Cassandra, pulled her close, and kissed her back.  "You don't have to."

Cassandra stood up.  "I really do.  I'm sorry.  I want to think about this."  She didn't look back to see Leliana's face.


	5. Chapter 5

Cassandra returned to her room.  She still felt the ghost of Leliana's tongue in her mouth.  The way Leliana had stepped from behind the screen, pallid and sweaty, her shift hung uneven off her shoulder; Cassandra had wanted to care for her.  It seemed the most natural thing to want to hold her friend, to rub her belly, to make her feel loved.

Cassandra had wanted to be close to her when she was behind that screen, to hold her hand, or rub her back, or even kiss her neck.  The sound and smell of the spy's sickness didn't disgust Cassandra.  They made her see Leliana's vulnerability.  That stirred something in her.

Cassandra masturbated briefly, then fell into a blank sleep.

******

She awoke with a horrible pain in her abdomen.  Sometimes, when she had a lot on her mind, she'd bloat up with wind.  And she certainly had a lot on her mind.

She let out a long fart.  That did a little to relieve the discomfort.  The smell was all sulfur, and lingered as she dressed.  She was so bloated that she had to wear her belt more than a little looser than usual.  She walked to the kitchen.  She knew she had to eat breakfast, but she didn't particularly have an appetite.

Leliana was sitting in the corner, with a half-eaten hunk of brown bread.  Cassandra could either talk to her or walk the other way.  She was about to do the second, when Leliana called her name.  Her stomach cramped.

As Cassandra approached, she could see that Leliana had more color in her cheeks than she had yesterday.  Her eyes, though, were bleary.

Cassandra sat a small ways away from Leliana.  "Eating plainly again, then?"

"Oh, yes.  My poor belly needs a rest."  She farted, brief but wet.  "It's still not fully recovered, I'm afraid."

"I'm...er...not wholly well myself."  Cassandra wished she could fart as well, but it seemed her wind was as reluctant as her shit, today.

The two fell silent.  Cassandra wished she had something to eat, just to have an excuse not to talk.

"It's good that you didn't stay the night," said Leliana.  Cassandra wasn't exactly sure what her face did, but if it looked anything like she felt, it was going to be striking.  "Oh, no, no, no."  Leliana waved her hands rapidly.  "It just...wasn't very pleasant to be around me."

Cassandra exhaled in relief.  Leliana let out another bubbling fart.  Cassandra was fairly certain she'd just had a minor accident.

"You know, not many people would kiss me right after I'd had a looseness like that."

"I...I just wanted to."

"And you still want to?"

Cassandra was silent.

"You don't have to answer that."

"Thank you."

"Anyway, you missed me messing the bed, so be thankful for that." Leliana smirked as she divulged this bit of information.

"You..."

"Badly."

Cassandra shook her head.  "I meant to say that, well, you really do seem to like talking about this sort of thing."

Leliana blushed.  "I suppose I do."

"And you pry with me.  You obviously try not to, but you pry."

"Yes..."  Leliana was bright red.

"Why?"

"It's...oh, dear.  It's because I fancy you a bit.  I know we're working together, and that we have to be very serious and professional, but I fancy you.  I'm sorry.  I should have said something."

"So you wish to talk about our bowels?"

"It's...it's an interest of mine."

"An interest?"

"Yes.  It...arouses me, all right?  I actually learned I fancied women because I had a friend with bad bowels.  I...always imagined her, you know, struggling with them."

"And now you are the friend with bad bowels."

"Just look at yourself, Cassandra."

Leliana had a point.  Cassandra desperately needed to untrap this wind, and when she did, well, it would be quite the show.

Leliana farted loudly, then smiled.  "I suppose mine are a bit naughty, aren't they."

"Does that...excite you?"

"Not when I do it alone.  But making you listen and smell, well...yes.  Obviously, I don't do it just because of that.  I really am full of wind right now.  Horribly."

"That's why you sent me away.  At the privies in the garden."

"I rather felt like making you sit through that whole ordeal was taking advantage, to be honest."  Leliana's face had become somewhat less red.  "But then you kissed me and now I don't know what's happening."

"I don't either." 

Both fell silent again.  Cassandra's gut was churning.  She thought she might be able to fart now.  She lifted a cheek, and let loose with an alarmingly long trumpet that stank impossibly.  Then she smiled at Leliana.

"That was a good one," said Leliana.

"Yes, I suppose it was."  She smiled wider.  "Shall we continue this conversation somewhere more private?"

Leliana grinned.  It was a good grin.  Cassandra was glad it was for her.


End file.
